Yeah, I Got Yer Global Warming Right Here...

I'm not a climate scientist, but I'll be glad to explain Ebola to you, and enlighten you as to exactly why the second amendment is sacred but the 14th amendment is not. And, ya know, a snowball on the floor of the Senate is worth more than the credibility of a committee chairmanship. But you knew that.

Ha! And don't even get me started on how July 2015 was the warmest month recorded since the Big Bang, which by the way was about 5,700 years ago (I can't be exact since I am not a scientist, but I do have some well-thought-out opinions on whether or not we should actually listen to this new Pope). And, I'm pretty sure there are photographs of Adam and Eve with dinosaurs...the timing seems right.

And, this Ice thing. It's such a total offset. Get this: we are already moving coastal Alaskan villages inland because rising water levels that aren't actually happening are flooding stuff we're not ready to admit to. Jeez, what's next. And, just in case you weren't paying attention, people that live in Alaska are Americans (there's that whole 14th amendment thing again)...and damn, I'll bet there are some laws out there somewhere that say we gotta take care of them (and, come to think of it, we should probably drug test them, too). 

So let's get back to this ice thing. If we let this slide, then according to conventional wisdom, we're gonna have to deal with voter fraud...again. And that bites. They (that ubiquitous they) are gonna start with that .003 percent of Americans that feel compelled to vote twice, or find it necessary to hang those chads just to force us to use math (and, I believe you have to be a scientist to use math). It's pretty sinister. 

The reality of it all is that there is really no reality any more - we have to stage that according to the average of several polls produced from data from people who actually still answer their phone. So if you really want to be real these days, you need to be at least in the top ten (or eleven now) of that 5% of the 25% that still have land lines and will talk to strangers. This is why we need to leave math to the scientists. Really.

But I digress...  Anyway: now the Boss wants to buy more heavy Arctic ice-breakers so we can not only keep up with the Russians (Joneskis?), but we can also be ready to break up all those glaciers that are turning into non-ice, which, I believe, is still water. But, according to one leading congressman (who also admits to not being a scientist) when the ice in your glass finally melts, your glass does not overflow, which is a big relief (at least until Charles and David Koch decide to fund a definitive scientific study that shows your glass really does overflow).

But it's all good because we're going to get the next President we deserve, and we can all breathe that collective sigh of relief that comes with knowing that we voted for her/him on purpose.  I can hardly wait until we can put all of this in our collective rear view mirrors, which undoubtedly will require some scraping because of this whole damn global warming thing.